We're not pregnant

No words to write at the moment.

Dear Friend

Dear N,


There are days when I really want to tell you to fuck off. You're pushy, annoying and downright disrespectful. I know that you have a lot going on right now, but seriously, when are you going to learn that things are not always about you.


You wanted to take me out tonight to celebrate my birthday. You've changed plans 15 times and and I told you yesterday that this was MY birthday celebration and we were going to do what I wanted to do. You agreed. Your text messages that you send me 800 times a day are nerve wracking. I work an 8 to 5 job and can't always text you at the drop of a hat. My patients come before you. Like it or not my job pays my bills, not you.


I wanted to have Chinese food tonight and was so looking forward to it. Yet again, you take it upon yourself to change plans and would rather go to Applebees. If I fucking wanted Applebees I would have suggested it. However, I'm tired of arguing with you when it gets me no where. So, I'll eat fucking Applebees.


I feel like I no longer want this friendship to continue, but I know that you are just so BSC (bat shit crazy) that if I ended our friendship you would probably kill yourself. I understand that your life isn't a bowl of cherries as mine isn't either. But, I'm not rude, pushy and disrespectful to my friends like you are. When it's someone's birthday - I treat them to where they want to go. I don't treat them to where I want to go. What's the point? I'm just really tired of this friendship, but maybe my heart is to big and I keep thinking that you'll grow the fuck up. But, I don't see that happening in the near future. If this continues the way that it has, I just might have to be the bitch here and push you out of my life because I can't take this craziness any longer.


::Note to readers - this is not about anyone that reads my blog. She isn't grown up enough to handle the stuff I write about here. But I had to get this off my chest and boy do I feel better::

Update

So, we had our IUI on 10/17 and things went well. 3 beautiful follies and 33mil swimmers!

Now, I'm in the dreaded 2ww. At first I was feeling so hopeful that things were going to work this time. Feeling like there was an ounce of hope left out there in all the badness made me feel good about things. But as this 2ww has gone on, I've started to feel gloomy and sad. I just don't know how I feel anymore. I feel like the life has been sucked out of me. And today, I'm feeling partly cloudy with a chance of rain.

I told J last night that I was scared, but I didn't know what I was more afraid of. This cycle not working or another miscarriage. No matter how you look at it, both are losses. You mourn the fact that you're not pregnant and you mourn over the baby that you'll never get to hold or meet.

Tomorrow is my birthday and even though I have so many things to be thankful for, I don't feel like celebrating. Never in my life did I think that I would be 32 and a Mommy to 3 Angels.

I'll test on Halloween and give you all an update on whether it's postive or negative.

Until then, much love!

IUI - Tomorrow at 8:45

We've been scheduled for our IUI tomorrow (Saturday 10/17/09) at 8:45. Excited, nervous, scared and most of all worried that our outcome will end in another heartache.

Joe has rockstar swimmers so I'm not worried about that - just worried about my little eggies. Please, let this be it for us.

I just wanted to say that I do have a good feeling about this. October is my birth month and 7 is my lucky number. We started stimming on 10/7, IUI on 10/17 and my birthday is 10/27 and test day is on Halloween. The stars are lined up and this is our lucky cycle...

C'mon lucky number 7!!

My right ovary rocks!

Follie scan this morning and good ol' lefty is being it's lazy self again. But, righty has 3 beautiful follies waiting to be ovulated. :) I have a 20, 18 and a 17.

And the Pom juice does work, my lining was a 5 on Monday and is a 9 today! So holla for Pom Juice!!

I'm waiting for a call with my blood work and we'll probably do IUI on Saturday morning.
I talked to my right ovary all the way to work, rubbing it and telling it that I need a balanced or normal eggie in there. Hopefully it's listening to me. :)

Just keep stimming, stimming, stimming

So, I went in on Monday (10/12) for my ultrasound and blood work and my left ovary has 12 small follies, the lead follie being 7 and the right ovary has 4 follies in it, the largest being 16. My lining was only 5.4 - so I have to stim until Wednesday and then on Thursday we'll go back in for another ultrasound and more blood work. I have a pretty good feeling that we'll trigger on Thursday night and IUI will be on Saturday morning. Which is totally fine with me because I want to just lay around and let the sperm and the eggies do their thing!

I haven't told anyone at work that we're cycling again, so hopefully I don't have to take any unexpected time off. Which it looks like things are working out well. I don't have to be to work till 8:30 so going to my morning ultrasounds isn't a problem! :)

Here's to Thursday with some great lead follies. Since I'm chromosome-aly challenged, I'm hoping for a few good targets. That way we have a better chance at getting that sticky BFP! C'mon follies - please be a good sticky one in there!!!

Oh and J, to answer your question, yes I did use the Gonal-F!! :) Thank you for that and the extra sticky baby dust you sprinkled on it.

I'm still alive, I promise!

After my last post I've just been trying to sort through the "laundry". I know that sometimes you just have to take the things that people say, with a grain of salt. You can't let it get to you or it's going to bring you down even more.

With that said, I still haven't talked to my Granny. But I did send her a card to let her know that I was thinking about it. I do miss her and I'm pretty much over our little fight, but I just don't know what to say to her when I call. So, I thought for now that a card would do.

My Dad is gone. He did lose his mind and move to Brazil. I've got a few emails from him with updates, but I usually just skim through it looking to see if there's anything important. Usually, it's just a bunch of babble. This too, I'm taking with a grain of salt. He's my dad, I love him and that is that.

I went to see Maud (our RE) on Tuesday and got the all clear to cycle again. I started stimming on Tuesday night and go in for an ultrasound on Monday to check follie (egg) growth. We're attempting one more shot with my own eggs and if this doesn't work, we'll move on to DE (donor eggs). So, if you have any thoughts to spare, please keep us in your thoughts. We could use some great things in our life and being parents is one of them.

I have been thinking a lot about Faith and Pearl and how much I miss them. I found myself wondering the other night what they would have looked like, how soft their sweet baby skin would have been, and how wonderful it would have felt to rock them asleep at night. I miss them so much and I just remind myself that they are bouncing on the clouds, swinging from the stars and dancing on moonbeams. I love you and miss you and you'll forever live on in Mommy's heart.